Imagine a small mountain moving down Mulberry Street. Preceded by a large cloud of dust.
And there you have Big Fat Fanny Fanelli, feared captain in the Bentimova Crime Family.
Big Fat Fanny had made a name for herself in the Mob, by steamrolling everyone and everything in her path. At six feet six inches, and 660 pounds, and counting, Big Fat Fanny can easily hide a small pistol, a a 44 magnum, if needed, in her massive hands, between her meaty armpits, or under one of her her super-sized breasts. She can also slip also a a stiletto from the folds of her belly, and stab someone in the gut before they can say, “Well, hello there Big Fat Fanny.”
Big Fat Fanny first made her mark in the mob when she became the gumada of mob boss Tony Bentimova. Since then, Big Fat Fanny has shot, stabbed, choked and sometimes sat-on to death, whomever Tony B had fingered.
Now Big Fat Fanny has an important job to do for her boss. One that must be done, quietly and effectively. She knew she was certainly up to the task.
There was a knock on Tony B’s front door. He got up and peeked though the peephole. Satisfied he was in no danger, he opened the door and in walked Big Fat Fanny. Tony B locked the door, and slipped on the inside chain, just to make sure.
Now to say that Big Fat Fanny walked in, would not exactly be the truth. She sort of like oozed into a room, like a giant glacier slowing navigating the icy waters of the Antarctic. But to Tony B, Big Fat Fanny was a nice diversion from the broads he usually connected with. A nice big diversion.
First of all, Big Fat Fanny was tall. Strikingly tall. Six and a half feet tall to be exact. She could reach for things in tall kitchen cabinets, Tony B usually had to stand on a chair for.
Secondly, Big Fat Fanny was wide, incredibly wide. As wide as a 660 pound woman can possible be. Big Fat Fanny filled up a room very fast. In fact, any room Big Fat Fanny walked into, immediately became the size of an small elevator. In the plus column, Big Fat Fanny’s breasts were the size of watermelons, and with the support of special bras, that weighted ten pounds themselves, she was a godsend for men who loved woman with big racks.
Thirdly, Big Fat Fanny, for all her blubber, had an amazingly beautiful face. With her blond hair teased high on her head, she was a dead ringer for a young Doris Day, if Doris had been injected with about 660 pounds of pure helium.
But most importantly of all, Big Fat Fanny was a secret assassin for Tony B. Whenever Tony B wanted someone very dead, and that someone was especially careful in not putting himself into a position of being very dead, Big Fat Fanny had the uncanny ability to make that person very dead indeed. No one else in the Lower East Side knew about Big Fat Fanny’s part-time job, which made killing unsuspecting people quite easy.
Big Fat Fanny set up her prey with her beauty and her charm. She lured her target into bed, or sometimes even in the back seat of his car. Big Fat Fanny’s method of death was usually a stiletto, which she hid under one of her gargantuan breasts. Guns make noises. Knives were silent. And Big Fat Fanny decided it was better, for safety purposes, when you were killing somebody, to cause as little noise as humanly possible. This didn’t mean Big Fat Fanny didn’t use guns on occasions. She did. Because sometimes she couldn’t get close enough to her prey to insert stiletto. But all in all, Big Fat Fanny preferred the knife to the pop gun. Hey, everyone has their own preferences.
When Big Fat Fanny felt the time was right, Big Fat Fanny would quietly slip the stiletto from under her breast, and stab into the middle of her mark’s chest, piercing his heart.
The death was mostly painless, and largely bloodless, because guys stabbed in the heart usually bleed internally, therefore not making a big bloody mess. Big Fat Fanny hated bloody messes, but sometimes it came with the territory.
Today was the day Big Fat Fanny got another assignment from Tony B. All she knew was that her victim was a high ranking Chink in Chinatown. Tony B had slipped the word to the Chinaman, through his flunkies pf course, that Big Fat Fanny was available for a little side work. For a fee of course, part of which would make its way up to Tony B. This Chink wanted another Chink dead, and Tony B, for his own selfish reasons, wanted them both dead. But due to the logistics of the situation, Tony B could only do one of them at a time. And Chink victim number one, was much easier to get to, so he went first. Via Big fat Fanny.
“Hi Boss,”Big Fat Fanny said, as she sashayed into Tony B’s apartment. “What’s the deal on the guy who has to go?”
“We’ll get to that later,” Ton B said. “But first, let’s have a few drinks.”
And that they did.