Find Big Fat Fanny Fast – The Russian Baths


 

A naked Tony B sat and hunched over in the sauna, at the Russian Baths on 10th Street in the East Village. Sitting with him and also naked were Junior, Shorty Stitchhead and Bobby the Beak. They sat around a huge rock-walled furnace, which was filled with 20,000 pounds of intensely heated rocks. This furnace raised the temperature in the room to a sweltering 120 degrees freaking Fahrenheit.

Sprinkled around the room were men of various shapes, sizes and nationalities. Every second or so, someone would grab one of the many buckets in the room, fill it with cold water from a rubber hose and dump it over their heads. This procedure was repeated by each person in the room, approximately every thirty seconds. Otherwise, they would fry to death and that would not be a good thing for Tony B and his boys.

The fact that all the people in the room were naked and could hardly hide a recording device, plus the fact that no one else in the room could listen into their conversation while they were dumping buckets of water over their heads twice a minute, made this the perfect place for Tony B to discuss business.

“Mannaggia, I wish we were here on one of the Bath House’s coed days,” Bobby the Beak said. “Imagine being in this room with a bunch of naked broads.” He dumped a bucket of ice water on his head.

“Don’t be stupid, “Junior said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “On coed days, both men and woman have to wear bathing suits in here.”

Bobby the Beak dumped another bucket of water on his head. “Even that’s way better than sittin’ in a room with a bunch of naked guys.”

Shorty Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “Not if you’re Liberace, it ain’t.”

Tony B dumped a bucket of water on his head. “Let’s cut the bull, we’re here to discuss business.”

“My father’s right,” Junior said. “Now listen up. This is important.” He dumped a bucket of water on his head.

Tony B dumped a bucket of water on his head. “The word on the streets is that the Chinese have declared all out war on the Italians. Now that means we gotta declare war too.”

Shorty Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “So you want us to start taking out the Triangle gang members right away?”

Junior dumped a bucket of water on his head. “You mean Triads, not Triangle.”

Shorty Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “Triangles, Triads, Trick or Treat. The point is, do you want us to start immediately shooting the Chinamen son-of-a-bitches?”

“No, I did not say for anyone to start shooting anyone,” Tony B said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “I want you all to be on the lookout. But don’t shoot anyone, unless you get a direct order from me. Understood?”

“Then how’s that declaring all-out war on the Chinks?”Bobby the Beak said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “I thought all-out war was when you shoot the enemy on sight.”

“No, you don’t understand,” Tony B said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “I want you guys to spread the word out on the street. Tell all our guys I’m declaring all-out war on the Chinks. But no shooting until I give the word. No stabbings. No stranglings. No nothing. Get it?”

Shorty Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “So you’re declaring all-out war on the Chinks, but you don’t want us to kill anybody yet.”

“Exactly,” Tony B said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “But I want the word to get out to everyone. So that when I’m ready to give the order, everyone is ready to react.”

Bobby the Beak dumped a bucket of water on his head. “I don’t get it. Either we’re at war with the Chinks or we ain’t.”

“Listen guys, this is pretty simple, “Junior said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “We’re declaring war on the Chinese gangs, but nobody gets hurt until the time is right. Nobody lifts a finger until then. Got it?”

“I think so,” Shorty Stitchhead said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “We’re at war with the Chinks, but it’s a peaceful kinda war where nobody gets killed. At least not right away.”

“That’s close enough,” Tony B said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head. “But make sure the word gets out to everybody. I want everyone in the 4th and 6th Wards and everyone in the Village to know we’re at war with the Chinks. Spread the word out to Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx too. Just in case.”

Short Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “What about Staten Island?”

“There’s no Chinks in Staten Island,” Tony B said. He dumped a bucket of water on his head.

Bobby the Beak dumped a bucket of water on his head. “The boss is right. Staten Island is all Italian, with a few Moolies here and there.”
Tony B dumped a bucket of water on his head. “Now let’s get outta here and jump into the cold plunge. The cold plunge opens up the pores. Gets rid of all the toxins in your body.” He got up and headed for the door.

Shorty Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “How cold is the cold plunge?”

Junior dumped a bucket of water on his head, then stood up. “Fifty degrees. You’ll feel like a new man.” He headed towards the door.

“Fifty degrees! Madone!” Bobby the Beak said. “I’ll be freezing my balls out there, just to get rid of a few toxins, of which I never knew I had anyway.” He dumped a bucket of water on his head. Then he stood up and headed towards the door.

Short Stitchhead dumped a bucket of water on his head. “Screw you guys, I’m staying here.”

Junior turned around. He headed back to Shorty Stitchhead, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to his feet. “Let’s go. We’re all going in the cold plunge.”

Shorty Stitchhead sat back down and grabbed a bucket. Junior grabbed the same bucket and a tug of war began, which Junior easily won. He threw down the bucket, put his hands under Shorty Stitchhead armpits and lifted him to his feet.

“We’re outta here,” Junior said.

“I rather keep my toxins,” Short Stitchhead said.

“You have no choice in the matter,” Junior said. “My father wants a healthy crew. So this is what you gotta do. Capice?

They headed towards the door.

“Life sucks anyway,” Shorty Stitchhead said. “A few toxins more or less won’t make much of a difference.”

Junior smiled. “Tell it to my father.” He opened the door and pushed Shorty Stitchhead through it. “In the cold plunge.”

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